You all know my story of having cancer, but what few, if any of you know is how much I struggled after my battle with cancer. I tried not to really let anybody know and just keep it all inside, but several years after my battle with cancer I realized the battle was still going on!
I may not have been in the hospital fighting for my life, but I was still fighting with cancer. I realized that cancer still had a hold of me because I couldn't do anything without having that nagging feeling in me what if my cancer comes back? Every little pain or ailment I had I would worry that it was cancer. I wouldn't go to the doctor though because honestly I didn't want to know whether it was cancer or not. I was stressed and depressed.
A few years ago I hurt my back at work. I went to a doctor I had never been to before, Dr. Sam Applebaum. In that first visit with him he was reading over my history and he saw that I had had cancer before. He asked if I was still going to the oncologist and I told him I hadn't. He asked why and I told him it was because it was too stressful for me. His next question for me was if I had ever talked to a counselor, which I hadn't. He thought it was a good idea just so I could talk to someone and get over my stress and fear of it. Deep down inside I knew he was right. Honestly, it was something that I had thought about even before talking to him. Everyone was always saying how strong I was and how inspirational I was and I just wanted to shout, "No, no I'm not! I'm scared that I'm gonna get sick again!" Then I went to see Dr. Applebaum and he understood. He did tell me that he thought it would be a good idea for me to go see an oncologist and asked if I wanted to go see one. At that point I wasn't ready, but he didn't push me. He just told me to let him know when I was ready.
About a month went by and I began having sharp pains in my stomach and trouble breathing. I was convinced something was wrong, but I was scared to tell anyone too. I didn't want to worry my parents or my friends so I just kept it inside and I didn't say anything. I had to go see Dr. Applebaum to get my blood pressure checked so I decided I was going to talk to him about it. I told him the problems I was having and he started asking me other questions that would be signs that something was wrong and most of them I could answer no too. He asked what I was worried about and I told him I was worried that I was getting sick again. He told me that he thought everything was ok, but he really thought I should go to the oncologist to make sure and to put my mind at rest too. I decided he was right, and so I said that I would go.
Leading up to my appointment with the oncologist I was really nervous and stressed. The day of my appointment I felt stressed and sick. I met with the oncologist and he told me that I looked fine and healthy. He felt my stomach and it felt fine too. He did however tell me that I needed to get my blood work done again because one of my counts was elevated, but he told me that that could just be my how my counts normally were, but he wanted to make sure. I got my blood done again and sure enough nothing was wrong that particular count was just normal for my blood.
From that day on things were different! I did feel better. I wasn't as stressed anymore! I'm not afraid anymore to live my life. I'm fighting for what I'm passionate about (finding a cure for cancer)! I'm going to school to become a Child Life Specialist!
So to Dr. Applebaum I say, Thank You! I wouldn't have this new outlook if it weren't for you encouraging me to see an oncologist!
To cancer I say, Kiss my ass cancer! You don't control my life anymore! In the words of Maya Thompson F U Cancer!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
My Inspiration
This essay is dedicated to Cori Raddigan, the best Child Life Specialist a girl could have! Thank you Cori for helping me get through probably the toughest battle in my life. I couldn't have made it through without you!
During my time at Sutter Memorial I had 3 doctors, many nurses, a music therapist Melinda, and a couple of Child Life Specialists, but my main Child Life Specialist was Cori. All played a big part in my life and making me who I am today, but it was Cori who had the biggest impact on my life. You could say she played a big part in making me the person I am today.
The story begins about one or two weeks after I was admitted into the hospital. One day Cori came in with the Child Life Coordinator, Jennifer. They introduced themselves to us and told us what child life specialists do. From that day on Cori came in and spent time with me every day that she was at the hospital, which was Monday through Friday. When she came to spend time with me we would do different things. I remember one of the first times she came in to spend time with me she brought a lot of beads and other jewelry making materials with her. I made a green and white necklace with my name on it. To this day that is one of my favorite necklaces and it means a lot to me.
Another time when she came to visit me she brought a Polaroid camera and some craft things to make picture frames. This picture frame is very special to me. Through the years it has gone through many things. Children have gotten a hold of it and ripped some of the foam decorations on it and it has collected some dust. While it may not be as new as the day I made it, it has even greater meaning than the day I made it. When I looked at that picture when I was sick all I could see was a sick girl who was fighting a losing battle. I saw a girl whose dreams were slipping away. Everyday she was dealing with unimaginable pain, physically and mentally, and didn't want to keep going. Every bone in her body just wanted to be done with all of the pain. Now I look at it and I see a completely different picture. I do see a sick girl, but I also see a girl who is strong and brave. A girl who is strong and brave enough to endure anything because she's already faced the hardest thing she ever had to deal with. I didn't know how much that picture and picture frame would mean to me, and Cori probably didn't know how much it would mean to me either, but it does mean the world to me and I have Cori to thank for that. The only times I would feel good at all without being drugged up was when Cori would come to visit me.
Coming to visit me isn't the only thing that Cori did to help me through this time. While I was in the hospital I also had to meet with physical and occupational therapists. I know now that, and honestly I knew then that that they were only doing their jobs, but at the time they just annoyed me. They would especially annoy me when they would just drop in, and expect me to drop whatever I was doing. If I was sleeping I would have to wake up just to do my therapy. Cori knew how much I hated when they would do this so she came up with an idea to make a schedule for my day. She bought a chart and then we decided together the parts of my day that I wanted on the chart. She made it where the physical and occupational therapists had to schedule appointments to me with me so I would be expecting them and I wouldn't have to drop whatever I was doing. Having that schedule made a lot of things easier for me. It made my already bad days a little bit better.
Another thing that was really hard on me during my time in the hospital was all of the surgeries and procedures that I had to have done. It seemed like every time I turned around there would be a surgery or procedure that I would have to have done. When I just had procedures done one of my parents was aloud to come in with me until I was asleep and that helped me feel a little less scared, but when I had surgeries done my parents weren't aloud to come in the operation room with me. Cori was aloud to come into the surgeries with me though and that made me feel a lot better. Laying there in that cold room with a bunch of doctors standing around me made me scared, but having Cori there with me holding my hand made me feel a little better.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I was 13 years old, but it was only three months until my 14th birthday. For my birthday Cori and the whole Child Life Department decided to throw me a birthday party. They made a poster to hang on my door that said, "Happy 14th Birthday Michelle!" Before my birthday Cori had also come in and asked me what I wanted for my birthday. On the day of my birthday Cori couldn't be there , but one of the other Child Life Specialists, Becky came in and visited with my family and me and gave me my presents.
Cori was always there for me and in a lot of ways and made my stay in the hospital a lot easier. I had never heard of Child Life Specialists before having cancer, but I am so greatful for learning about Child Life Specialists and having Cori there for me while I was in the hospital.
A few years after my battle with cancer and when I started to think about what I wanted to do with my life I thought of Cori. I thought about how much she had helped me and how without her I don't think I could have made it. I realized how important Child Life Specialists are in a child's life when they are in the hospital. I knew that if I didn't have Cori in my life when I was in the hospital it would have been a lot harder and I possibly wouldn't have had the strength to make it through this time. Thinking on all of this made me realize that being a Child Life Specialist was exactly what I wanted to do. I want to be someone who can help and be an inspiration in a child's life just like Cori was in mine!
During my time at Sutter Memorial I had 3 doctors, many nurses, a music therapist Melinda, and a couple of Child Life Specialists, but my main Child Life Specialist was Cori. All played a big part in my life and making me who I am today, but it was Cori who had the biggest impact on my life. You could say she played a big part in making me the person I am today.
The story begins about one or two weeks after I was admitted into the hospital. One day Cori came in with the Child Life Coordinator, Jennifer. They introduced themselves to us and told us what child life specialists do. From that day on Cori came in and spent time with me every day that she was at the hospital, which was Monday through Friday. When she came to spend time with me we would do different things. I remember one of the first times she came in to spend time with me she brought a lot of beads and other jewelry making materials with her. I made a green and white necklace with my name on it. To this day that is one of my favorite necklaces and it means a lot to me.
Another time when she came to visit me she brought a Polaroid camera and some craft things to make picture frames. This picture frame is very special to me. Through the years it has gone through many things. Children have gotten a hold of it and ripped some of the foam decorations on it and it has collected some dust. While it may not be as new as the day I made it, it has even greater meaning than the day I made it. When I looked at that picture when I was sick all I could see was a sick girl who was fighting a losing battle. I saw a girl whose dreams were slipping away. Everyday she was dealing with unimaginable pain, physically and mentally, and didn't want to keep going. Every bone in her body just wanted to be done with all of the pain. Now I look at it and I see a completely different picture. I do see a sick girl, but I also see a girl who is strong and brave. A girl who is strong and brave enough to endure anything because she's already faced the hardest thing she ever had to deal with. I didn't know how much that picture and picture frame would mean to me, and Cori probably didn't know how much it would mean to me either, but it does mean the world to me and I have Cori to thank for that. The only times I would feel good at all without being drugged up was when Cori would come to visit me.
Coming to visit me isn't the only thing that Cori did to help me through this time. While I was in the hospital I also had to meet with physical and occupational therapists. I know now that, and honestly I knew then that that they were only doing their jobs, but at the time they just annoyed me. They would especially annoy me when they would just drop in, and expect me to drop whatever I was doing. If I was sleeping I would have to wake up just to do my therapy. Cori knew how much I hated when they would do this so she came up with an idea to make a schedule for my day. She bought a chart and then we decided together the parts of my day that I wanted on the chart. She made it where the physical and occupational therapists had to schedule appointments to me with me so I would be expecting them and I wouldn't have to drop whatever I was doing. Having that schedule made a lot of things easier for me. It made my already bad days a little bit better.
Another thing that was really hard on me during my time in the hospital was all of the surgeries and procedures that I had to have done. It seemed like every time I turned around there would be a surgery or procedure that I would have to have done. When I just had procedures done one of my parents was aloud to come in with me until I was asleep and that helped me feel a little less scared, but when I had surgeries done my parents weren't aloud to come in the operation room with me. Cori was aloud to come into the surgeries with me though and that made me feel a lot better. Laying there in that cold room with a bunch of doctors standing around me made me scared, but having Cori there with me holding my hand made me feel a little better.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I was 13 years old, but it was only three months until my 14th birthday. For my birthday Cori and the whole Child Life Department decided to throw me a birthday party. They made a poster to hang on my door that said, "Happy 14th Birthday Michelle!" Before my birthday Cori had also come in and asked me what I wanted for my birthday. On the day of my birthday Cori couldn't be there , but one of the other Child Life Specialists, Becky came in and visited with my family and me and gave me my presents.
Cori was always there for me and in a lot of ways and made my stay in the hospital a lot easier. I had never heard of Child Life Specialists before having cancer, but I am so greatful for learning about Child Life Specialists and having Cori there for me while I was in the hospital.
A few years after my battle with cancer and when I started to think about what I wanted to do with my life I thought of Cori. I thought about how much she had helped me and how without her I don't think I could have made it. I realized how important Child Life Specialists are in a child's life when they are in the hospital. I knew that if I didn't have Cori in my life when I was in the hospital it would have been a lot harder and I possibly wouldn't have had the strength to make it through this time. Thinking on all of this made me realize that being a Child Life Specialist was exactly what I wanted to do. I want to be someone who can help and be an inspiration in a child's life just like Cori was in mine!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
A Brief Version of My Story
March 3, 1999- A day that I will never forget! I woke up that morning sick, but that wasn't a surprise since I had been sick for more than a week. I had an anti-biotic I was taking because according to the doctors in the ER at Sutter Roseville I just had a virus. I had been taking the anti-biotic for a week and I wasn't getting any better; I was just getting worse. My parents were worried so they made me a doctor's appointment with my doctor for that day.
I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to see me. I felt horrible! I was nauseous and my stomach hurt. It wasn't just a normal stomach ache either. I had pains going through all of my stomach. My doctor, Dr. Lee, came in and she could tell just by looking at me that something was wrong. I was extremely skinny, just skin and bones, but my stomach was bloated. She wanted to have me admitted to Sutter Roseville for tests. I started crying and saying, "I don't want to go to the hospital!" My mom was crying too and said, "I know, but we need to find out what's wrong."
My brother and sisters were at a friends house so my dad took my mom and me to the hospital and helped me all settled into the hospital before going to pick them up. I had an ultrasound and x-rays done. The results weren't good! I had three tumors a soccer ball sized one in my chest, a grape fruit sized one and a baseball sized one in my abdomen.
Sutter Roseville wasn't equipped to handle something like this so I was transferred to Sutter Memorial in Sacramento, California. They did more tests there and told my parents that if I hadn't come to the hospital I would have died in 24 hours. I spent six long months in and out of the hospital doing chemotherapy.
By the grace of God and thanks to my team of amazing doctors: Dr. Kent Jolly, Dr. Pat Hardy, and Dr. Yim Yung and nurses I am here today.
My purpose of starting this blog is to try and get my story out there and to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. Out of all the funding that cancer receives only 3 to 4 percent of it actually goes to childhood cancer and as someone who has gone through cancer as a child and almost died from it that is not acceptable. We need to find a cure for this horrific disease so that it can't affect any more lives.
Through this blog I will be sharing short essays that I have written about my experience with cancer and I will also be sharing what I am doing with my life to give back all the love and care I got. I will also be sharing what I am doing to raise awareness and fundraise money for various charities related to childhood cancer.
I hope you enjoy
I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to see me. I felt horrible! I was nauseous and my stomach hurt. It wasn't just a normal stomach ache either. I had pains going through all of my stomach. My doctor, Dr. Lee, came in and she could tell just by looking at me that something was wrong. I was extremely skinny, just skin and bones, but my stomach was bloated. She wanted to have me admitted to Sutter Roseville for tests. I started crying and saying, "I don't want to go to the hospital!" My mom was crying too and said, "I know, but we need to find out what's wrong."
My brother and sisters were at a friends house so my dad took my mom and me to the hospital and helped me all settled into the hospital before going to pick them up. I had an ultrasound and x-rays done. The results weren't good! I had three tumors a soccer ball sized one in my chest, a grape fruit sized one and a baseball sized one in my abdomen.
Sutter Roseville wasn't equipped to handle something like this so I was transferred to Sutter Memorial in Sacramento, California. They did more tests there and told my parents that if I hadn't come to the hospital I would have died in 24 hours. I spent six long months in and out of the hospital doing chemotherapy.
By the grace of God and thanks to my team of amazing doctors: Dr. Kent Jolly, Dr. Pat Hardy, and Dr. Yim Yung and nurses I am here today.
My purpose of starting this blog is to try and get my story out there and to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. Out of all the funding that cancer receives only 3 to 4 percent of it actually goes to childhood cancer and as someone who has gone through cancer as a child and almost died from it that is not acceptable. We need to find a cure for this horrific disease so that it can't affect any more lives.
Through this blog I will be sharing short essays that I have written about my experience with cancer and I will also be sharing what I am doing with my life to give back all the love and care I got. I will also be sharing what I am doing to raise awareness and fundraise money for various charities related to childhood cancer.
I hope you enjoy
Love, Michelle
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